When I think of the word brokenness, I think of something that has been ripped apart or broken into pieces. Earlier this year it was the first time in my life that I’d ever felt broken or crushed. I write this excerpt not to hurt or offend but to speak my truth.
Love is a fickle thing and sometimes in love we act differently or sometimes stupidly out of nothing more than sincere genuine care for another being. When in love I always think it’s best to give your all. Your all meaning to be exclusive, be vulnerable, comprise, and most importantly to be open. This is because you will never know what something could be unless you wholeheartedly invest in it.
I made a choice to love and it backfired in such a way that left me feeling broken. I was made to feel inadequate, stupid, and unwanted by someone who said they loved me. I was told, “I had book sense and no common sense,” “That they didn’t want to take me around others because my behavior was unnerving,” I wasn’t social enough or outgoing,”I didn’t know how to dress.” And the list goes on and on. I was picked on constantly (and trust me they were jabs) and all the while if I even mentioned that I didn’t like it was told: “I’m just playing.” or that “I take things too seriously.”
I was never posted on social media because he was “private” but everyone including strangers got posted on his social media. The one time I did post a picture I was told that I should have discussed it with him prior too and more dialogue continued which caused me simply to just remove it altogether.
I was never shown affection or even considered much except for his friend’s couples events which he needed me to show up for. Only at the conclusion of each event being checked or told that I made everyone feel uncomfortable or was it just you? I was yelled and hollered at for things that I can’t understand even still. He never made consistent plans with me because “He just saw me.” He just saw me could me a week ago or two weeks ago and that was cool with him. Let’s not even discuss talking on the phone because men don’t do that or at least he and his friends don’t.
There are so many more things I could write but for what? I think you get the jist. But to add insult to injury after we broke up. I had to listen to mutual friends tell me “He’s a good guy just immature.” He was 34 years old. All of the things I endured and the best you can tell me is to suck it up because I’m supposed to give him some sort of pass because he’s immature?
We dated for 9 months and just so you know I didn’t sit silently. I did ask several times if he wanted to break things off which he always responded with “no”. I constantly told him he was mean and also asked him if he even liked me. He would respond with “I’m not mean I just keep it real.” I just could not understand why he wanted to date me or tell people he was in a relationship when it was clear to me he didn’t want it. Did I mention I was in my 2nd year of my Ph.D., we lived in different cities, I had a dog, and was constantly going to his city making him a priority? Only for it to turn into, “Why don’t you visit your friends,” when I clearly came to see him so we could get to know one another.
He has not apologized for anything he did to me but makes sure to tell friends that he tried to work with me for months and he can’t fix anything unless people speak up. I have never cried so much while in a relationship as I did in this one. I was so depressed and unhappy. I have never had a man make me feel so worthless. I would take the blame for everything but I can’t. I will take the blame for staying too long and for allowing such foolishness that I know is beneath me to continue for as long as it did. Looking back I guess I could have pulled out a bullhorn and yelled from the mountain tops about your behavior so you could finally hear me. Or could it be that you just don’t listen? Or better yet you just didn’t care? Your family, friends, and most importantly ME tried to tell you that your behavior was absurd. You, sir, are not a good guy and don’t ever try to convince yourself of such until you get help. A good guy treats all people well not just friends.
Love is a hard truth and because I love God let me say this. I FORGIVE YOU. You haven’t asked for my forgiveness but I give it to you because I pray that the way you treated me you never receive. I pray that you will never ever treat another woman the way that you treated me. I pray that you check yourself and get some help. It is not normal for friends to guide you on how to treat a woman while she is present (You are 35 bruh!). It is not normal for you to leave your lady at events or show up late and then if it’s even brought up to say “I’ve been waiting for you to say something,” to jump on them instead of facing the truth. It is not normal for you to have a disagreement with a woman and when she tries to make up with you in front of others, you put your hand in her face and be disagreeable. It is not normal to want to hang out with your friends all of the time when you are in a relationship. It is not normal to talk some much about matters that should only be discussed with your lady. It is not normal for a man your age to kiss and tell. It is not normal to miss events with your lady because a ticket is not free to you. It is not normal to not apologize when you’ve done something wrong. It is not normal to have a unicorn and then instead chose a donkey.
You would think the words “I’m sorry,” or “I apologize,” would be things that most people could say if they committed a wrong against another. As I have learned, although simple for me to say these things somehow they seem impossible for others to even utter. Don’t expect an apology from some people. They aren’t ready to deal with life and all of it’s facets. They will see you at events and never acknowledge your presence as if you’ve done something wrong. Stay encouraged and focus on where God is taking you.